Are you mad at your pain? Because I am!

March 13, 2020

 

I am mad! I’m 23 and I get so mad because I should be having the time of my life right now. Right? Your 20’s are supposed to be filled with fun and adventure. Now if you know me, you know that I live everyday to the fullest. I hike to beautiful places and explore all the time. What you don’t know is that sometimes I barely make it through hikes. I have to take lots of breaks because I am exhausted and need to breathe. My pain has held me back a lot. I do my best to not let it stop me, but that is EXHAUSTING! That makes me MAD!

 

There are days where I can’t explore, I don’t feel like getting out of bed. When I was in college I went through some pretty bad times and I thought that was the worst I could ever feel. I had some improvement after that and I was so grateful because it was becoming hard to live, hard to be a student and a functioning human being. But in the past few months things have gotten really bad again. It’s been so bad that despite my brave face I put on everyday, I broke down and cried to my boss because I could hardly work, get up and walk around because I was in so much pain. I never let people see me at my weakest. I think my boyfriend and my therapist are the only ones who understand how much I struggle. I try to be strong. But it’s hard. That makes me MAD

 

I just want to live a normal life.

I just want to not be in pain constantly.

I just want to feel hopeful.

 

There are so many things that I want. So many things I have fought for. So much money I have spent trying to get answers or to get relief. It makes me MAD!

 

It’s hard to be upbeat and happy when you are constantly dragged down. So yes, I am mad.

 

Now here’s the hard part… Taking that anger, feeling it and using it to fuel myself and my mind into working hard to get better. Realizing that I hate being angry. Instead, I need to be determined. I need to realize that there is hope out there. I need to form my anger into something positive.

 

Yes, these things are hard.  Of course we will have days and moments we are angry. You have the right to be angry! Feel the anger but don’t let it consume you. I have been there, and it is a dark hole that I struggled to get back out. I try to find ways to stay positive. Whether it’s cute animal videos, memes, therapy, nature or whatever makes you feel happy and at peace. Use that to be positive again.

 

We are allowed to feel our emotions and not be ashamed. We fight battles that most people don’t understand. We all need to be angry sometimes… but then what? Use that energy for something good. Find ways to feel happy, positive, and find good things in your life. I know you can do it!

 

With love,

Meghan

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